Leaving, Mental Health YEARS, and Learning...

I really want to leave right now. The mortal coil, I mean. I can't do anything right. I'm not fit for anything except sticking my head in the clouds. When I grow up, I won't have a significant influence on anything in the world.

I will just be an average person, living an average life, or perhaps a poor one. And I won't be able to do anything about it.

I just really want to leave. Maybe then will my parents stop feeling disappointed over me, and they will move on. Goodness knows that's what my mother is doing, or what I think she is doing. I don't think anyone truly loves me, but that is an insult to those who do. I can't think of what I would say, except for "Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a failure, I'm sorry I can't be useful, I'm sorry I can't carve my potential out of my soul and leave it for you to shape, because I do not like the feel of the pain to carve my way in there. I can't, and therefore, I am sorry."


I feel as if I need a year to recover. If I am to survive, then I am to have serious help before long. If I could go to a place where I could think of something, and hold onto it until the thought is tired of being thought out, then perhaps I could recover. Perhaps not.

I think, if given time to think, to recover, to have some kind of understanding company whom I feel that I can talk to, I might be able to pull myself out of this dire situation. It shouldn't be that hard, really, not for me. Not according to my mother.

Maybe, if I could just, just, do something about it, it wouldn't be this bad. But all I can do right now is shoulder my weight and struggle as hard as I can underneath it to plod along as steadily as I can. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.


My mother says that she wonders where I learn this sh-- from. Not in those words specifically. But the gist of it. And I think, really, that I haven't learned it from anyone. I haven't had the time to, after all.

During the school year, I almost always kept to myself, preferring to sit with those I know than those I only appreciate from the sidelines. Maybe that does not make sense. When I say "appreciate from the sidelines," I mean that I know they are good, I know they are better than what I could ever hope to be, I know I could possibly befriend them, but I do not think I can. Not the way I am now.

I know they are good, I know they will help me be a better student, but help me with this weight? Not until I learn to trust them. I haven't trusted anyone with this weight yet. I don't even know the reasons why it is there, but I bear it all the same. I know it is there; I do not know why. But I must bear it all the same.

And the only ones I have ever spoken to, recently, are Annie, and a little bit of the time, Ellie. I rarely speak seriously to anyone. Not recently.

Please don't think bad of me. I only want to live, and not like this. I can't, I can't, I can't. But I am trying my hardest, and I will not be giving up any time soon.