HARK, A PARTICIPANT...

I just want to know...

Did she really just ask me if I was stupid?

She... I just, what the hell. Do you really care that little about me? Does EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU GO OVER YOUR HEAD?

I don't feel like taking this anymore. I feel under-appreciated whenever I try to do something, anything, for anyone. For you. For her. I don't think I want to take it anymore, and maybe when I get older, when I do something for you, when you do this to me, AGAIN, maybe I'll just snap.

No.
 More.

I want to try my hardest to see if I can just not react anymore. I think that's what I'm going to do from now on.

Maybe I'll just move away. Those plans we made when we were kids? Those will be broken, if this keeps happening. I might just forget. I might not.

Maybe I'll even forgive you.

Someday.



Or maybe not.

Mothertrucking YEAHHHH...

The World Is Just Awesome (And How to Train Your Dragon)...

.... AND HICCUP THE VIKING IS MY HERO.

First Day of School!!!

Dood! First day of school! And now I gotta go, sorry, was gonna type this up during free block, but I guess not now. SEEYA.

According to I Write Like.com...

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

The Sounds and Rhythms in my Mind...

So. These are the songs currently playing in my mind. Lyrics under the cut.

MOVIES/TOY STORY 3...

IS THE BESTEST MOVIE EVERRRRRRRRRRR. OH GODDDDDDDD-DUH.
It is definitely one that everyone should see! It is the most fabulous movie ever! I WANT IT ON DVD. RIGHT NOW.

SPANISH BUZZ. THE BROMANCE. IT WAS LOVE.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

ALSO! I want to say that The Sorcerer's Apprentice is AMAZING. I want that too! ON DVD. NOW. It was absolutely amazing, the special effects were neat, I loved it, I want to see it again, and I LOVED IT. I LOVED IT.

Leaving, Mental Health YEARS, and Learning...

I really want to leave right now. The mortal coil, I mean. I can't do anything right. I'm not fit for anything except sticking my head in the clouds. When I grow up, I won't have a significant influence on anything in the world.

I will just be an average person, living an average life, or perhaps a poor one. And I won't be able to do anything about it.

I just really want to leave. Maybe then will my parents stop feeling disappointed over me, and they will move on. Goodness knows that's what my mother is doing, or what I think she is doing. I don't think anyone truly loves me, but that is an insult to those who do. I can't think of what I would say, except for "Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a failure, I'm sorry I can't be useful, I'm sorry I can't carve my potential out of my soul and leave it for you to shape, because I do not like the feel of the pain to carve my way in there. I can't, and therefore, I am sorry."


I feel as if I need a year to recover. If I am to survive, then I am to have serious help before long. If I could go to a place where I could think of something, and hold onto it until the thought is tired of being thought out, then perhaps I could recover. Perhaps not.

I think, if given time to think, to recover, to have some kind of understanding company whom I feel that I can talk to, I might be able to pull myself out of this dire situation. It shouldn't be that hard, really, not for me. Not according to my mother.

Maybe, if I could just, just, do something about it, it wouldn't be this bad. But all I can do right now is shoulder my weight and struggle as hard as I can underneath it to plod along as steadily as I can. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.


My mother says that she wonders where I learn this sh-- from. Not in those words specifically. But the gist of it. And I think, really, that I haven't learned it from anyone. I haven't had the time to, after all.

During the school year, I almost always kept to myself, preferring to sit with those I know than those I only appreciate from the sidelines. Maybe that does not make sense. When I say "appreciate from the sidelines," I mean that I know they are good, I know they are better than what I could ever hope to be, I know I could possibly befriend them, but I do not think I can. Not the way I am now.

I know they are good, I know they will help me be a better student, but help me with this weight? Not until I learn to trust them. I haven't trusted anyone with this weight yet. I don't even know the reasons why it is there, but I bear it all the same. I know it is there; I do not know why. But I must bear it all the same.

And the only ones I have ever spoken to, recently, are Annie, and a little bit of the time, Ellie. I rarely speak seriously to anyone. Not recently.

Please don't think bad of me. I only want to live, and not like this. I can't, I can't, I can't. But I am trying my hardest, and I will not be giving up any time soon.

Oh, Kingdom Hearts...

I realllllllly want Birth by Sleep and/or Kingdom Hearts III. AND A PSP. Whyyyyyyyyyy can't it come out now?! UGH. I really want it. I wonder when It's going to come out?

Birth by Sleep comes out September 7, 2010 in North America!!!!!! OH GOD. I NEED TO EARN ENOUGH MONEY/BROWNIE POINTS TO GET A PSP THEN. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.

I really hope that it comes out soon! UGH I CAN'T WAIT. Me and Annie have been watching clips of Birth by Sleep on Youtube, although the person doesn't have the grace to SUBTITLE THE EFFING JAPANESE!!!! Fudgenugget!

Oh, xxxHolic, how I love thee...

OH HO HO HO HO HO!

XD I don't even know what this post was for. Except, I LOVE THE SPECIAL CHAPTER. VERY MUCH. OH GOD, FAI'S MAN PONYTAIL GOT LONGER. AWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwww...

XDDDDDDDDDD -laughing forever-

EDIT: THERE IS NO ONEMANGA ANYMORE. THIS POST IS SORTA NOT VALID. DAMN.

OurWorld!!!

JOIN MEH.

HA HA HA, YES...

I went out community service-ing today. I PULLED ORIENTAL BITTERCRESS AND GARLIC MUSTARD OUT OF THE FOREST BEHIND LESLIE SCIENCE CENTER. YES.

And after that, my back is sore. Like, sore. I don't know how to say it, how it was sore. But anyways.

So, after lunch, we were heading back to Community. We trespassed on the hill of the elementary school near the Leslie Science Center, and we sat at the bust stop, waiting for a bus.

While we were waiting, WE WAVED AT CARRRRRS. It was amazing. And a motorcycle gang honked and waved at us, and a police car, and two buses, and a mail truck! And a buncha other cars too! WAVING AT CARS IS FUN. ESPECIALLY IF A MOTORCYCLE GANG, A POLICE CAR, TWO SCHOOL BUSES, AND A MAIL TRUCK WAVE BACK.

TO EVERYONE WHO WAS THERE WAVING AT CARS AND PULLING HERBACEOUS INVADERS OUT OF THE GROUND, VIRTUAL HIGH FIVE! WHOOT.

I went on an adventuuuuuuuure...

BUT HOLY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

And it wasn't even a good adventure.

I spent an hour walking around in Downtown Ann Arbor, and riding on the U of M BLUE BUSSSSS. It kinda pissed me off. That I had to take so long to get where I was going. And I missed my stop. Multiple times. URGH.

So. I went to Mock Trial today. At the law school. It was really warm in the "court" room, and the trial was really really long, although it was pretty interesting. We were jurors for a juvenile delinquency case, where a "Thomas Wilcox" committed armed robbery on the Campus Corner Party Store, a convenience store. We ruled him not guilty, since there wasn't enough evidence. That was pretty interesting, although I really wanted to pass out because it was so hot, and I had to keep shifting on the bench because I was getting really really uncomfortable.

After it ended, I tried to get to my mom's workplace. My mom told me to take the blue bus, so I did. I sat on it, and she told me to get off when I saw the arch. But the bus never passed by the arch, and I got stuck riding the bus again, until I almost went full circle. I got off near the Power Center, and then I had to walk all the way to the Nursing School, where my mom works.

IT WAS NOT A FUN ADVENTURE. Although I do feel a lot more confident because of it. BUT IT WASN'T FUN. AT ALL.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

-anger-

Valentine's Day...

I know, I know. Two posts in one day? Ridiculous. Especially since I probably will gain a habit of not coming back to this for a while. Ha ha. That's pretty sad.

But whatever! On to the topic, which is Valentine's Day. Otherwise known as Single's Awareness Day! Ugh. There are way too many pink and red and white things and lovey-dovey shit for me to function properly on Valentine's Day. Geez.

That day, in fact, was today. And I am feeling a bit sad, for no particular reason, really. Oh gods. I can't remember why I started this post. I might as well just end it here until I remember. Or just add stuff.

I feel so ADD.

Creepiest manga ever and Pie Parties...

Count Cain and it's second half, Count Cain - Godchild.

Seriously. So effing creepy.

Count Cain starts out with a murder. And someone dies in every shingle chapter. I am not kidding. SO EFFING CREEPY. With blood splatters, and nude bodies, and drowning, and basically SHIT just happening everywhere. God.

But it's amazing.

Because Cain is GOD. :DDDDD

I swear! He's so pretty! He's managed to get people to think he's a woman just by wearing a long haired wig! And he has an angsty background, the whole manga's angsty, and he's just got this sad elegance, really. He's so pretty!

And he's named Cain after the son of Adam and Eve who killed Abel, their other son. It's so creepyyyyyy. Because it's so symbolic. And shit. And he's cursed, hah.

Count Cain - Godchild has lots of death and dying, too. And pretty people. Like Cain. Who got to seduce a mayor. HA HA HA. He makes a really pretty girl, he really does!

And the only reason I read it, even though it was so creepy and I get nightmares easily, was because of CAIN. AND HIS SEDUCTION. WITH WIGS. HA HA HA. Oh, and his gay affair with his butler/manservant/be with you forever dude. Who's name is Riffael, also known as Riff, and has dual personalities. :DDDDDD

Now, PIE PARTY.

Seriously, that was the best day of my effing life. Pie, dinner, friends, and an awesome movie! Seriously, how could it get any better? Ahhhh. It was so happy.

STAR TREK (2009). It was AMAZIIIING. Especially considering the "The galaxy's greatest bromance begins." from TV Tropes. :DDDDD SO AMAZING.

Kirk and Spock belong togetherrrr! It's so true! They have such a bond, and even Future!/Original!Spock supports it! Awwwwwww. ^^

The person just for me...

I want a significant other who will understand and know what I mean when I say, "This (person in this manga/song/picture/etc.) reminds me of (person who we know/person in anime/person in manga/etc.)" It makes me sad that when I tell this to Annie, she doesn't know what I mean. I want someone in my life who will know what I mean, and maybe agree with me. I don't want to explain myself to my significant other. If I did that, maybe we're not so in love.

But whatever. It doesn't matter now, since I'm not even interested in having a relationship right now. It's just, today, I saw Sam and Etsie making out. And it's not even like they were somewhere private. They were in the middle of the second floor hall! But PDA's are not my forte. Ugh.

And I've been having dreams lately. I wish I could remember them. It would make writing some stories a lot easier. This week, I have to write a two perspectives story for short story class. It's due this Friday. I'm not even sure how to start it, and it doesn't even matter that I have to get 2-3 pages for both perspectives. I don't know what the situation will be, or how to start it, or even how to get into it. The book "Bird by Bird" the teacher, Judith, gave us says we should start by writing a little thing, and just writing and not editing yet.

It's just that it doesn't work that easily for me. I can't just sit down and write. Well, maybe I can. But the thing is, I am not confident in my writing. It feels a little too serious, or a little to immature, just a little to everything. I can't even get through a second draft. I almost always turn in my first draft, with minor changes in it.

Gahh. I shouldn't think about this so much. It makes no sense at all anymore.